


God is an Alcoholic

by hernameisgeorge



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, God ships Destiel, M/M, Post-Sacrifice, Sevin if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-13
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-23 09:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/924647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hernameisgeorge/pseuds/hernameisgeorge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chuck is God, but not really, Cas gets a hobby, Sam does groin stretches, and Dean has a gay thing, but that's not even what the story's about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	God is an Alcoholic

**Author's Note:**

> Names of the special guests omitted so that it remains a surprise.
> 
> Inspired by my own idea of what happened to Chuck. I hope you enjoy it. C:

Three months after the angels fell, Dean opened the bunker door and saw Aaron Bass, his golem, and...Chuck?

"Hi," Aaron said awkwardly. "This hobo-looking guy hitched a ride with us a while back. He said he knew you guys."

Dean stepped aside to let them in. "Yeah, that's Chuck, but...we thought you were dead."

"Well, I'm not. Not in the way you guys were thinking anyway."

He ignored the cryptic response, and instead led them into what he had claimed as the living room. Castiel was sitting on one of the couches, untangling his fingers from a pile of yarn. "Cas, do you know where Sam is? We have guests."

"He went out for a run," Cas said, not looking up.

"Who's that?" Aaron asked.

"Oh, right," Dean said. "That's Castiel, he's an angel. Well, he was. Now he knits."

"Would you like a sweater?"

Charlie wandered in. "Can you make the Doctor's scarf?"

Cas tilted his head in confusion. "Doctor who?"

"He said the thing!" Charlie whooped, holding a hand up to Dean, which he slapped.

"Stop making Doctor Who jokes," Kevin said, coming in with a bowl of popcorn and settling on one of the couches.

Dean sunk down next to Cas, perhaps a bit too close. "Oh yeah, speaking of, how are you alive, Chuck?"

"Chuck?" Cas and Charlie said in unison.

Kevin threw a piece of popcorn as Dean, which landed in Castiel's yarn. "How is that in any way relevant?"

"You're both prophets." He shrugged.

"Wait," Charlie said, "Chuck as in Carver Edlund Chuck? Chuck Shurley? That Chuck?"

"Technically," Chuck said.

Cas leaned around Dean to get a better look. "Father?"

Aaron looked around at everybody. "What is going on here?"

Dean ignored him. "Hold the phone, Chuck is God?"

"Not really," Chuck/God said.

Just then, Sam jogged in. "Hey, can someone help me stretch my groin?" He put a foot up on the armrest of one of the couches and leaned forward on it. "Hi Chuck. You're alive?"

"He's not Chuck, He's God," Kevin supplied helpfully, getting up to help him.

"So Chuck was a vessel?" Sam asked.

"Exactly!" God said. "I get why people say he's the smart brother."

"Hey!" Dean huffed indignantly.

"How long have you been God?"

God sat down in Kevin's vacated seat and stole his popcorn. "I started talking to Chuck around My Bloody Valentine, but he didn't say yes until Point of No Return."

Everybody gave Him various looks of confusion. "Famine, and Castiel beating the shit out of Dean the first time."

Cas shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Chuck asked me for that time to get all of his affairs in order. Hold his newspaper, cancel his porn subscriptions, break up with Becky, you know. He's up in Heaven now, hanging out with some guy named Ash. Say, what's going on up there? I saw the angels all falling a few months back."

"Metatron," Cas said.

"Damn, I forgot about him."

"So, God, why'd you leave in the first place?" Charlie asked.

He groaned. "All you humans got so needy with your prayers! 'Give me world peace,' 'kill the homosexuals,' blah blah blah! One might say I left because I hated my job at the post office." He looked at Dean and Cas meaningfully.

They looked at each other, and back to Him, obviously not getting it.

God groaned again. "Oh come on, I was proud of her, and you don't even remember?"

"The prostitute?" Dean asked.

"Yes, the prostitute! She was obviously a metaphor. I wonder, though. Did Cassie ever lose his V-card?"

Cas studiously ignored his father and went back to his knitting.

"I'll take that as a no." God seemed almost disappointed. "Ah well. I have a feeling that will change soon." He winked. "Now, enough about me. What have you been up to?"

For the next hour or so, everybody recounted to God what happened after the aborted apocalypse, purposely omitting some of the more incriminating details. Castiel's attempted takeover, for instance, being shortened to a simple, "Cas went nuts and the Leviathan got loose."

Then God got bored and started throwing popcorn at people, and they all sort of gave up and dispersed throughout the bunker. Cas seemed intent on knitting a sweater, Sam and Kevin went to the library, Charlie stalked off towards the kitchen, muttering something about tea, and Aaron stopped Dean in the hallway leading to his bedroom.

He sent his golem off to get his bag out of the car before he said, "Sorry about when we met. I didn't realize."

"What didn't you realize?"

"That you were already seeing someone."

Dean choked on his own spit. "I'm what?"

"You know, you and Castile, or whatever. The guy who was knitting," Aaron said.

"Castiel? No, we're not... We're friends, that's it."

"Really? Because you two looked pretty cozy, and it didn't look like a recent development."

Dean scoffed. "Cas has nightmares and he needs to be close to someone sometimes."

"Does he need to be close to someone, or does he need to be close to you? Think on that," Aaron said, and walked aimlessly down the halls.

He eventually came to what looked like a storage room. Voices were coming from a gap in the wall. He peeked in and saw Charlie wearing a formal gown and sipping tea with a man in a disheveled black suit who was chained to the floor.

"And then Sam came in from his run and started talking about groin stretches," Charlie said.

"What about the other prophet?" the man, who spoke with a Scottish accent, asked. "How is he alive?"

Aaron missed what Charlie said next, having bolted out of the room.

"Oh my god," he said to himself, "these guys really are psychopaths!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Dean was still frozen in the hallway, thinking on it.

It was true that Cas was spending a lot more time around him since he fell. There had to be an explanation though, right?

He probably just missed the connection he'd had with his brothers. Except that he always sought Dean out, even when there were several other people in the room with him. And he kept dropping hints that he was "utterly indifferent to sexual orientation."

Dean suddenly found himself in the living room again before he'd even realized he was moving.

He took the knitting needles out of Castiel's hands, ignoring his protests, and pulled him up into a kiss. The immediately separated upon hearing God clear His throat.

"Oh, sorry," Dean said. "I didn't mean to—"

"Of course you did!" God said cheerily.

"And you're okay with that?"

He chuckled. "Why wouldn't I be? Why would gay sex be enjoyable for both parties if I didn't plan it that way?" He nodded to them and vanished.

"Did we just get God's approval?" Dean asked.

"I believe we did. He did imply that I would be losing my virginity soon."

"It wouldn't do to mess with God's will, now would it?" He kissed him again, not waiting for an answer.

Then somebody punched Dean in the arm. He turned to face them, expecting it to be Kevin or Charlie so he was shocked to see...

"Adam?!" Wasn't he in the Pit?

"You forgot about me, didn't you?" He punched Dean again and went to go find Sam. "Assholes," he muttered.

Dean stared after him. "What the hell just happened?"

Cas shrugged and sat back down, picking his knitting needles back up.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuses. I literally just wanted to write a story where the entire point is so that Adam can show up for one or two lines at the end, and I did it.


End file.
